The cup
The cup is on the table.
I didn’t put it there.
Or maybe I did.
I’m not sure when something becomes a “fact”.
I stare at it for a while.
It’s just a normal cup.
That should be enough.
But it isn’t.
Because I feel like I saw it before I entered the kitchen.
As if I didn’t arrive to it by walking.
As if it was already waiting for me.
The screen
I close my phone screen.
Wait.
Look again.
It is closed.
That is correct.
But I don’t remember closing it.
Only the result.
Not the action.
And that bothers me more than it should.
The alarm
The alarm rings three minutes early.
Before what, I don’t know.
I look at it.
Don’t touch it.
I think about changing it.
But I don’t know what the correct time would be.
Only the time I don’t want to see.
That stops me.
Not logic.
Something closer to doubt.
The door
The door is closed.
I think.
I approach it.
Touch it.
It is closed.
That should be enough.
But I don’t remember closing it.
Only assuming it would be closed.
And I don’t know which one counts.
First crack
For a long time I thought the problem was not remembering what happened.
Now I think the problem is remembering something that may never have happened.
And still feeling it as memory.
Test
I did a test.
I left the cup exactly where it was.
Took a photo.
The image matches.
That should calm me.
But I can’t remember taking it.
Only that it exists.
And that doesn’t fit.
I don’t know with what.
Something shifts
The cup is not the problem.
Neither is the screen.
Nor the alarm.
The problem is that I need something to stay where I left it.
And I don’t know when that need began.
Mild contradiction
I closed the screen to stop looking at it.
I opened it to check it was still closed.
I don’t know why that feels acceptable.
But I’m doing it.
Without fully deciding.
The neck
I have to move my neck.
I don’t.
I stop before it happens.
Not because it hurts.
Because of a simpler doubt.
If I move it, I confirm I can.
If I don’t, I won’t know if the decision was mine.
For a second I think I understand it.
Then something else appears.
Not an answer.
But the doubt of who is asking the question.
I have to move the neck there is no neck…
