I used to think the strange part was what I was reading.
I spent weeks trying to figure out exactly which part felt strange.
A video.
A story.
An image.
Something specific.
Because it felt easier to believe the problem was there.
It took me far too long to realize I was looking in the wrong place.
The alarm is still set.
I checked it this morning.
That means at some point I set it.
My hand found the right time.
My finger pressed the right buttons.
I did exactly what I intended to do.
And yet I don’t remember making the decision.
I don’t remember the moment.
That’s the detail that stays with me.
Not the content.
Not what I was looking at.
That small gap.
The missing part.
As if something happened without me for a few seconds.
The mug is still next to the computer.
It’s cold.
I know because I touch it.
Not because I remember stopping drinking it.
For a moment I try to calculate how much time has passed.
Then I realize that isn’t what bothers me.
Time passed.
That’s normal.
What’s strange is that there’s a part of the process I can’t point to.
A moment where something gathered momentum.
And by the time I notice, I’m already inside it.
I used to think I was returning to the content.
Now I’m not so sure.
I’m starting to suspect I’m returning to something else.
The moment before.
That transition.
The exact second where it still feels like a choice.
The uncomfortable part is that it doesn’t only worry me.
It fascinates me too.
If I really wanted to, it would disappear.
That’s what I tell myself.
But I keep watching the mechanism.
I keep trying to locate the precise instant.
As if I expect to discover something.
Not about what I’m looking at.
About myself.
I need to move my neck.
I think about it.
I wait.
Nothing.
The mug is still cold.
The screen is still on.
And for a second I wonder why I’m waiting.
As if the movement has to arrive to me first before I can make it happen.
I thought the question was why I kept coming back.
Now I think the question is different.
Which part of me had already returned before I noticed.
I have to move the neck the record cannot close I have to move the neck I am not moving it I should…
