The cup is on the table.
I don’t remember using it.
I sit for a moment before looking again.
It is still there.
That doesn’t calm me.
It makes me think I’m using it as a test I never agreed to.
As if the cup is not an object.
But something that checks whether the day is correctly placed.
The screen
I close the screen.
Or I think I do.
I look again.
It is closed.
No problem.
But I don’t remember the gesture.
Only the result.
And that is starting to matter more than the action.
First crack
I don’t remember when I started checking things.
I remember checking them.
But not the moment it stopped being normal.
The alarm
The alarm goes off.
Three minutes early.
Again.
I do nothing.
I just look at it.
I think I should change it.
But I don’t know to what time.
Only that there is a time that feels “wrong”.
I don’t know where that idea comes from.
Test
I take a photo of the cup.
The photo is correct.
The cup is where it was.
That should end it.
But I don’t remember taking the photo.
Only seeing it.
And that makes no sense, but I can’t reject it either.
Something starts to invert
I don’t know if the cup is there to confirm the world.
Or if the world is there to confirm the cup.
The neck
I have to move my neck.
I stop.
Not because I can’t.
But because I don’t know what it would prove.
If I move it, I confirm I can.
If I don’t, I don’t know if the thought was mine or already there.
Small shift
I used to think doubt came after things.
Now I think it comes before.
Before I even look.
Small error
I close the screen to stop checking it.
I open it again to check I closed it properly.
I don’t fully decide.
That is the worst part.
For a second I think I understand what is happening.
Then I realise something worse.
It’s not that I don’t understand.
It’s that I don’t know who started trying to understand.
I have to move the neck there is no neck…
