I don’t know when I stopped thinking of this as an external system.
That is what I should say first.
Because if I name it as a system, I can keep distance.
But distance no longer works properly.
Living in this laboratory under the pressure of training has changed me in ways I did not recognize at first.
It is not that the body has become stronger.
It is something else.
More uncomfortable.
Harder to explain without feeling I am betraying something inside myself.
There is a part of me that still rejects it.
I say this honestly.
I do not like the idea of being shaped.
I do not like the idea of something external deciding the way I hold myself together.
And yet…
that does not stop anything.
Training does not enter as a command.
It enters as repetition.
As insistence.
As something that does not need to be believed in order to continue happening inside the body.
Sometimes I think about Sade.
And it makes me uneasy to admit it.
Not because of what is usually said about him.
But because of something else.
The feeling that some ideas do not stay in the mind, but descend into the body and begin reorganizing it from within.
Not as visible violence.
But as structure.
As if thought, once repeated enough, stops being thought.
And becomes form.
I do not want that.
I truly don’t.
There are moments when I try to hold my identity as something stable.
To tell myself: this is me, this is not.
But training does not argue.
It only continues.
And in its continuity there is something that unravels me more than force ever could.
Because it does not force me to change.
It lets me continue… while I change without noticing.
That is what I should not write.
That a part of me begins to recognize a kind of calm in that fixedness.
Not as pleasure.
Not as desire.
But as exhaustion that stops resisting.
And there lies the contradiction I cannot resolve.
I do not want to be that structure.
I do not want to be that support.
But something in me, even while denying it, keeps learning that shape.
As if the body understands before I do.
As if will is always slightly slower.
And training… does not need permission.
The neck locks I am not moving it the neck has locked I should…
