inhabiting the laboratory
is no longer action
it is a state that never finishes closing
sound feels like loss
not of air
of meaning
the scream does not come out
it thickens
at some point it stops being voice
and becomes weight
in the throat
no clear beginning
only accumulation
Operator
not name
not figure
pressure without need of form
me trying to distinguish pain from structure
instant failure
too late to separate
the bodily matrix does not react
it adjusts
wrong word
not adjusts
yields
something in me understands before me
and that is the most unstable part
the scream does not disappear
it remains as internal residue
no sound
no exit
no direction
shower
water
continuous noise
but external noise cannot reach the internal one
mind tries to name what is happening
“this is…”
breaks
no complete sentence available
only fragments correcting themselves
the idea of “I”
too heavy to hold whole
collapsing into itself
what remains is not identity
it is distributed pressure
Sade
does not appear
remains as edge of perception
not thought
pre-thought adjustment
the body does not suffer as before
something worse
it interprets
and in interpretation
everything becomes irreversible
the scream is no longer an event
it is material
the throat does not express
it accumulates
and that accumulation
starts to feel like order
the most unsettling part is not density
it is the calm that comes after
as if it had always been like this
but only now becomes visible
The mechanism has fused the atlas with the base of the skull I should…
