I don’t know when I started this
it’s not a clear decision
it never really is
I open it again
there is no new reason
just the same gesture
I notice something strange
before I open it
I already feel like I have opened it
and I don’t know if that’s normal or not
there is a second that repeats
the second before I close it
or don’t close it
I don’t know which one actually happens
today I tried to stop
I closed the tab
fast
too fast
and still it doesn’t feel fully closed
my body feels wrong afterwards
not exact excitement
not clear anxiety
something more uncomfortable
like I did something without fully agreeing to it
I’ve started noticing that moment
the moment I don’t stop
it’s not a decision
it’s continuation
that’s the worst part
I’ve deleted things
random notes
sentences without context
but I still remember them anyway
as if they didn’t disappear
just moved somewhere else
there is a sentence that keeps coming back
“it’s not curiosity if you’re already affected”
I don’t remember writing it
but now it bothers me more than it should
I checked the history again
not looking for anything
just checking it’s still there
as if that explained something about me
it doesn’t
it only makes it worse
there are moments when I close everything abruptly
as if staying one more second would be dangerous
I don’t know what danger that is
that second is the problem
not what I do
but the second before I do it
I’ve tried to find the beginning
but there is no clear beginning
only repetition
never exactly the same
never identical
and that unsettles me more than it should
sometimes it feels like I’m not deciding to enter
just arriving late to a decision that already happened
somewhere else
I don’t know how to explain it without sounding ridiculous
but my body reacts before I do
and then I explain it afterwards
today I closed everything again
without thinking
too automatic
and still I immediately thought about reopening it
as if it never fully closed
it’s not clean desire
not clean curiosity
something that feels too close to both
I have to move my neck
I’m not moving it
and I write it before I know why
I have to move the neck I am not moving it I should…
