The mug is still where it was.
That should reassure me.
It doesn’t.
I touch it.
Cold.
For a second I think I am checking the temperature.
Then I realize I am not.
The temperature is an excuse.
I am checking something else.
And I am embarrassed to write it.
Because for a moment I need to make sure that I was the one who left it there.
The alarm is still set.
I checked it this morning.
That means I did exactly what I was supposed to do.
The hour is correct.
The minutes are correct.
Everything appears correct.
And yet I look at it again.
Not because I think it is wrong.
Because there is a difference.
I can feel it.
I still cannot name it.
For weeks I thought I was observing a habit.
Then I thought I was observing a decision.
Now I am not sure it is either of those things.
There is something between them.
Something small.
Something that disappears whenever I try to look at it directly.
I need to move my neck.
I think about it.
I wait.
Nothing.
The sensation does not arrive.
Or it arrives too late.
The distinction begins to feel important.
The mug is still on the table.
The alarm is still set.
And suddenly I realize something I would rather not have thought.
If I truly trusted my own decisions, I would not keep checking them.
The thought appears for a second.
Then disappears.
I try to recover it.
I can’t.
There is a crack in the wall.
I think it was there before.
I am not sure.
The strange thing is that I am no longer interested in the crack.
I am interested in the exact moment I decided to look at it.
I thought I was searching for an explanation.
Then I thought I was searching for a feeling.
Now I suspect I was searching for something else.
Something earlier.
Something that happens just before.
The moment when an action still does not feel like mine.
I need to move my neck.
I think about it again.
I wait.
This time the sensation arrives.
But it is not the correct sensation.
The mug is still cold.
The alarm is still set.
And for a second I cannot remember which of the two I was using to prove that I am still me.
I have to move the neck I am not moving it I should…
