I don’t know when it stopped being curiosity.
I only know it has become something like a routine I don’t fully choose.
At first it was just looking.
Only looking.
Closing it.
Opening it again later as if nothing had happened.
Now I don’t notice it the same way.
I notice it earlier.
That’s the worst part.
Sometimes I’m doing something else and suddenly I’m already there.
I haven’t decided anything.
But I’m already inside it.
The phone face down.
That gesture.
As if it could hold something.
As if it were a form of control.
Five minutes.
Or less.
I turn it over.
Without really thinking.
As if the movement had been prepared in advance.
There’s no clear emotion in it.
Just continuity.
The black screen.
My face on it.
A reflection that doesn’t quite look at me.
It just is.
There’s a strange second there.
Not thought.
Not decision.
A pause that doesn’t fit the rest of the day.
I realize something uncomfortable:
it’s not that I do it.
it’s that I notice a moment later that I was already doing it.
I leave a tab open.
Not for usefulness.
But to avoid cutting something I can’t name.
Sometimes I try to close it properly.
I do it.
Without making a big deal of it.
And still, the next day I come back.
I don’t know if I chose it.
I only know it’s open again.
I look at the dark screen for a few seconds after.
As if expecting an explanation that won’t come.
It’s not clear shame.
It’s something simpler.
Not understanding the exact moment I stop choosing.
The neck.
I realize I haven’t moved it for a while.
I wasn’t thinking about it.
I notice it afterwards.
I think it a second before moving it.
As if even that gesture needed some kind of approval.
And still I delay it.
A little longer than necessary.
I used to think this was curiosity.
Now I don’t know.
Maybe it’s just the way I return without noticing.
I have to move the neck I am not moving it I should…
