The cup was on the table when I entered.
I don’t remember leaving it there.
It’s a small thing, but I stare at it too long.
As if something should come back and doesn’t.
It’s not that the cup changes.
It’s that I’m not sure I entered at the right moment.
That sounds ridiculous.
I don’t write it properly in my head, but I think it anyway.
The screen
I close my phone screen.
Look again.
It is closed.
That is normal.
But I don’t remember closing it.
Only the result.
And that bothers me more than it should.
Because I don’t know if that is forgetting…
or not being fully there.
The alarm
The alarm goes off.
Three minutes early.
Before what, I don’t know.
I look at it without touching it.
I think about changing it.
But I don’t know what the correct time would be.
Only what the wrong one would feel like.
That stops me.
Not logic.
Something simpler.
As if touching it would confirm something I don’t want to understand.
The door
The door is closed.
I think.
I touch it.
It is closed.
But I don’t remember closing it.
Only assuming it would be.
And now I don’t know which one counts.
First level of doubt
For a while I thought the problem was memory.
Now I think the problem is remembering things without being sure I lived them.
It’s not loss.
It’s something stranger.
Like arriving after yourself.
Test
I left the cup where it was.
Took a photo.
The photo is correct.
That should be enough.
But I don’t remember taking it.
Only seeing it.
As if the result came before the action.
Something starts to slip
The cup is not the problem.
Nor the screen.
Nor the alarm.
The problem is that I need to check everything is still where it should be.
And I don’t know when that started.
I close the screen to stop looking at it.
I open it to check it is still closed.
I repeat it without fully deciding.
And that is the worst part.
It doesn’t feel like a complete decision.
The neck
I have to move my neck.
I stop before it happens.
Not because it hurts.
Because of a simple doubt.
If I move it, I confirm I can.
If I don’t, I don’t know if the thought was mine or already formed before me.
For a second I think I understand it.
Then something else appears.
Not an answer.
But the doubt of whether someone else started thinking before I did.
I have to move the neck there is no neck…
