Becoming the point of contact of this laboratory is not a clear choice, but a mental repetition that returns even when I try to deny it: I do not like the idea of being submissive, yet my mind keeps returning to the Operator’s process as if within it there existed an explanation I have not yet managed to close within myself.
It is not desire.
It is not decision.
It is recurrence.
A form of thought that does not ask permission to return.
Sometimes I think rejection should be enough.
That simply thinking “this is not me” should weaken the idea.
But the opposite happens.
The more I reject it through logic, the more it reorganizes itself on another level—quieter, more stable.
Sade appears here not as a figure of excess, but as a mental structure: the idea that thought, when pushed to its limit, stops seeking coherence and begins to register its own insistence.
No resolution.
No clear exit.
And at that point something shifts in the sense of self.
No longer as a fixed identity.
But as a support.
As a surface where something occurs without needing conscious approval.
I am surprised to realize that what obsesses me is not a specific scene, but the way my mind returns to it even when it does not want it.
That repetition has more force than the intention to stop it.
There are brief moments of clarity.
Instants where I think with certainty:
“this is not what I want to be.”
And for a few seconds, that sentence feels enough.
Closed.
Definitive.
But the closure does not last.
Because the mind does not stay in conclusion.
It slips.
And returns to the same internal point: the end of the Operator’s process, not as an external event, but as a recurring mental image where everything seems suspended, without needing explanation.
The contradiction does not resolve itself.
It is observed.
And after being observed too many times, it begins to occupy more space than either of its extremes.
Perhaps what is most unsettling is this:
that one part of me does not want this,
and another part keeps returning to imagine it.
Not as clear pleasure.
Not as decision.
But as an attempt to understand what happens when thought no longer argues with itself.
And yet none of these interpretations stops it.
The neck has locked I should…
