I haven’t done anything yet.
I’m just reading.
Or that’s what I tell myself.
I open pages and close them too slowly.
Videos I don’t finish.
Articles left halfway, as if that makes them less real.
I’ve caught myself searching more.
Not as a clear decision.
More like I’ve already stepped into a sequence.
Then I close everything.
As if closing it would undo it.
But it doesn’t.
There’s an uncomfortable moment when I realize I’m staring too long at certain sentences.
Not the important ones.
The others.
The ones I don’t understand why they stop me.
That’s what feels embarrassing.
Not what I read.
But how I read it.
I wrote a note in the notepad.
“it’s not curiosity if you’re already affected”
I don’t fully remember writing it.
But it’s there.
I delete it.
Then I reopen the notepad.
The sentence is still there.
Further down.
As if it didn’t need to insist.
Today I noticed something strange when switching tabs quickly.
As if one of the pages stayed behind for a second.
I can’t explain it better.
It’s not that it doesn’t load.
It’s that it seems to linger after I’ve closed it.
As if it knows I tried to leave.
I noticed something else.
When I read about dominance or surrender, the first thing that appears is not a thought.
It’s a physical sensation. Subtle. Immediate. Slightly uncomfortable to admit.
Then comes the thinking.
Then the explanation.
But the first thing is not mental.
That’s what confuses me.
I reread a sentence several times without meaning to.
“you still haven’t decided how you are reading it”
The first time I ignored it.
The second time it annoyed me.
The third time I wasn’t sure I had understood it correctly before.
I didn’t get much done today.
Just small repeated gestures.
Open.
Close.
Open again.
As if something is waiting for me to do it in the correct order.
I have the feeling I’m starting to notice things I used to ignore effortlessly.
Not because they’ve changed.
But because now they seem slightly more insistent.
“I have to move my neck I’m not moving it I should…”
It doesn’t arrive as a full sentence.
It forms in fragments.
Like it can’t finish itself before I interrupt it.
I have to move the neck…
