There is something strange about the memory of touch.
It does not behave like other memories.
Images become blurred.
Words change.
Even facts begin to merge together over time.
But certain sensations remain.
Sometimes for years.
And I find that unsettling.
Because I have never known exactly what to do with them.
I often think about Sade.
Not because I shared his conclusions.
But because he seemed incapable of ignoring whatever obsessed him.
He was willing to follow a question into places where most people would have preferred to stop.
And I suppose I do something similar.
Because there are experiences that continue returning long after they are over.
They do not return as scenes.
They return as sensations.
The pressure of a hand.
The firmness of a command.
The awareness of being unable to pull attention away from something.
It should not matter so much.
And yet it does.
That is what confuses me.
Because one part of me resists.
One part of me wants to believe all of that belongs to the past.
That it has no meaning.
That it was only a moment.
But another part keeps watching it.
As though there is still something left to understand.
There are times when I remember a particular sensation more clearly than an entire conversation.
That seems absurd.
And yet it happens.
I do not remember exactly what was said.
I do not remember the complete sequence of events.
But I remember how one specific moment felt.
The way all of my attention seemed to gather into a single point.
The way the rest of the world lost importance for a few seconds.
I do not know why that remains.
I do not know why some experiences leave such deep marks while others disappear without a trace.
The only thing I know is that I keep returning to the question.
And perhaps that is what truly interests me.
Not touch.
Not obedience.
Not even pleasure.
But the strange persistence of certain experiences.
The way they continue growing inside us long after we believe we have left them behind.
And the uncomfortable suspicion that we are still trying to understand something that happened a very long time ago.
The neck locks I am not moving it the neck has locked I should…
