There’s something I have a very hard time admitting.
And I’m not even sure it makes sense.
When I first started reading about all of this, I thought what interested me was the sexual side.
That was the easiest explanation.
The most comfortable one.
Because if it’s just arousal, then it’s simple.
Something turns you on.
That’s it.
Nothing more to think about.
But the more I read, the more I realize that explanation isn’t enough anymore.
Some ideas stay with me even when I’m not aroused.
And that’s what worries me.
Because I’m starting to wonder if what attracts me isn’t what I originally thought.
There’s something strange about certain dynamics.
Certain ways of relating to someone.
Certain ways of obeying.
And I don’t even like writing that word.
Obey.
Because I immediately feel ridiculous.
And yet I keep finding myself reading about it.
The worst part is that some things are starting to seem logical.
Not good.
Not desirable.
Not necessarily.
Just logical.
And that scares me more than anything else.
Because I remember when certain ideas seemed completely absurd to me.
And now they don’t feel quite so absurd anymore.
I don’t know when that happened.
There wasn’t a specific moment.
It just accumulated.
One article.
One video.
One forum thread.
One conversation.
And suddenly I caught myself thinking:
“I understand why someone would do this.”
Not because I want to.
Not because I agree with it.
Simply because I understand it.
And that’s a huge difference.
I think that’s when the contradiction really began.
Because part of me still reacts the same way.
Still thinks this is strange.
Still feels embarrassed.
But another part isn’t watching from the outside anymore.
It’s trying to understand.
And the more it understands, the harder it becomes to step back.
Sometimes I close everything and tell myself I’m overthinking it.
That they’re just stories.
Just fantasies.
Just people online talking about strange things.
But then I come back the next day.
And read again.
And again.
And again.
As if there’s a question hidden inside all of this.
A question I still don’t know how to ask.
And maybe that’s what’s keeping me here.
Not the answers.
The question.
Because I’m still looking for something.
And I still don’t know what it is.
I have to move the neck there is no neck…
