There’s something I don’t like admitting.
And it’s that I’m starting to forget how I used to think before I found all of this.
Not because I’ve changed that much.
At least that’s what I want to believe.
But because some things start feeling normal far too quickly.
That’s what unsettles me.
Not the content.
Not the videos.
Not the stories.
The speed.
The way something strange slowly stops feeling strange.
Something ridiculous happened last night.
I picked up my phone to look for something else.
I remember that part clearly.
I had a specific reason.
A task.
A message.
Something ordinary.
Ten minutes later I wasn’t doing any of those things anymore.
For a moment I just stared at the screen trying to remember when I changed direction.
I couldn’t find the moment.
That bothered me more than it should have.
Because I realized it happens earlier every time.
As if some part of me recognizes the path before I do.
As if one version of me already knows where it’s going while the other still believes it’s making a choice.
The worst part is that I still call it curiosity.
Because curiosity sounds small.
Temporary.
Harmless.
But I’m starting to suspect curiosity shouldn’t take up this much space.
It shouldn’t show up while I’m working.
Or when I’m trying to sleep.
Or twenty minutes after I’ve closed a tab.
Sometimes there’s a strange feeling.
As if something is setting into place.
Not a specific idea.
Something harder to explain.
A habit.
A way of looking.
A way of coming back.
And every time I notice it, I try to convince myself I’m exaggerating.
That everyone has strange interests.
That it doesn’t mean anything.
That tomorrow I’ll be thinking about something else.
But then I come back.
And I come back so easily that I’m beginning to wonder if that was the important part all along.
Not the subject.
The ease.
The familiarity.
The absence of resistance.
There’s a cup beside the computer.
It’s cold.
I don’t remember when it stopped being warm.
I need to move my neck.
I realize I’ve been sitting still for too long.
I think about it.
I wait a few more seconds.
As if even that required a decision.
I have to move the neck I am not moving it I should…
