I shouldn’t be looking at this so much.
That’s the first thought, and I still keep doing it.
Videos. Texts. Descriptions.
It’s not that I’m looking for the same thing every time.
It’s more like… opening one thing, then another.
And then another.
Like I can’t stop at a “normal” point.
At the beginning it was curiosity.
Literally that.
Harmless curiosity.
Something you can close.
But it didn’t close.
I don’t know when it stopped being just curiosity.
I think it was when I started going back.
Not because I “wanted to”.
But because something kept staying in my head.
An image. A sentence. An idea.
And it bothered me that I couldn’t understand why it stayed there.
That’s the strange part.
It’s not clear desire.
It’s insistence.
Like a mental itch.
Then another part appears.
The part that understands exactly what is happening and still doesn’t stop it.
That’s what I feel embarrassed writing about.
Not what I look at.
But the fact that I return.
Over and over again.
Sometimes I close everything quickly.
Like I’ve been caught.
Even though no one is there.
Just me.
And still I feel that heat in my face.
Like I’ve done something visible.
I can’t explain it better.
It starts as curiosity.
Then repetition.
Then something that takes time without asking.
And the worst part is that it doesn’t feel completely foreign.
It feels… easy to enter.
Too easy.
And that unsettles me more than the content itself.
Because it’s not a clear decision.
It’s a slope.
And I keep going down a little more each time without fully noticing.
I have to move my neck I am not moving it…
