Being the foundation of this laboratory is not a stable choice, but an insistence that returns even when I try to reject it: I do not like the idea of being submissive, yet my mind returns to the Operator’s process as if within it there existed a form of understanding I have not yet managed to close within myself.
It is not coherence.
It is not identity.
It is return.
A repetition that does not depend on will to activate itself.
What is strange is not the idea itself, but the way it persists even when I contradict it with absolute clarity.
The more I reject it through logic, the more it reorganizes itself on another level of me.
Quieter.
Harder to recognize as my own thought.
Sade appears here as an internal structure of extreme thought: not as excess, but as the possibility that an idea, when pushed to its limit, stops arguing and begins observing its own repetition.
No exit.
No resolution.
And at that point something shifts in the sense of self.
No longer as decision.
No longer as identity.
But as a mental support.
As a surface where an idea insists without needing permission.
I find it unsettling to realize that what returns is not a fixed scene, but the sense that my mind cannot stop going back to it even while claiming it does not want to.
There are brief moments of clarity.
Instants where I think:
“this does not fit me.”
And for a few seconds that sentence feels enough.
Stable.
Definitive.
But it does not remain.
Because the mind does not inhabit conclusions.
It passes through them.
And returns to the same internal point: the end of the Operator’s process, not as an external event, but as a recurring mental image where everything seems to stop without explanation.
The contradiction does not resolve.
It accumulates.
And that accumulation becomes the silent center of everything else.
Perhaps what is most unsettling is not the idea of being submissive.
But the way one part of me rejects it while another keeps reintroducing it, as if trying to solve something that only exists through repetition.
It is not clear desire.
It is not decision.
It is an attempt to reach the end of an internal logic to see what remains when the mind stops opposing itself.
And even so, none of these interpretations interrupts the return.
They only make it more stable.
More persistent.
Harder to distinguish from myself.
The neck has locked I should…
