I shouldn’t be reading this
I open it anyway
as if it wasn’t a decision
there are tabs left open since yesterday
I don’t close them
I tell myself it’s because I didn’t have time
but that’s not it
it’s that I feel something before I understand it
a slight pull of attention
a second I can’t trace back to its origin
I close a tab
it opens again further down
I don’t know if I closed it before
this is the important part
not the event
but the doubt after the event
I tried reading a section and scrolling back to check it
but the paragraph doesn’t match itself twice in a row
it doesn’t fully change
just enough to force me to reread it
that annoys me more than it should
I wrote a note in the notepad
“it isn’t curiosity if you’re already affected”
I delete it
look again
it’s back
not exactly above
lower
as if it waited for me to forget it
I’ve felt an absurd discomfort realizing I’m measuring my own attention
as if that were more embarrassing than what I’m reading
I close the laptop
I don’t remember opening it fully
I look at my hands for a second
I’m not sure what I was trying to confirm
I pretend everything is normal
but there’s a moment
just before understanding something
that starts repeating
not a sentence
the feeling of being about to understand
and now it’s back again
as if it knows when I’m about to focus
it hasn’t changed everything
or maybe it has
just not when I’m looking
I need to move my neck
I’m not moving it
I should…
