There is something I am uncomfortable admitting.
I have never believed pain to be noble.
I have never considered it a virtue.
Or a form of wisdom.
And yet I keep returning to it.
Not to pain itself.
But to the question that appears when it is present.
Perhaps that is what obsesses me.
Because every time I try to explain it rationally, I fail.
I cannot find a convincing theory.
I cannot find an elegant answer.
I only find a strange sensation.
The feeling that something becomes clearer when there is no longer any possibility of ignoring it.
Sometimes I think about Sade.
Not his excesses.
Not his characters.
I think about his inability to abandon an idea.
That need to carry a question all the way to its end, even when the result was uncomfortable.
Even when it revealed something that would have been easier not to discover.
And there are moments when I suspect my own obsession resembles that.
Because pain possesses a quality that is difficult for me to describe.
It reduces the world.
Makes it smaller.
Sharper.
More immediate.
Distant concerns disappear.
Explanations disappear.
Masks disappear.
And for a brief moment there remains only an experience that cannot be delegated to anyone else.
That should make me reject it.
Sometimes it does.
There are moments when it deeply irritates me.
Moments when I wonder why I continue thinking about something that does not fit the image I have of myself.
But then the contradiction appears.
Because alongside rejection comes fascination.
Not a heroic fascination.
Not a romantic one.
More the feeling of observing something important without fully understanding it yet.
As though there is an answer hidden behind the experience.
Something still beyond reach.
And that is precisely why I continue returning.
Not because I enjoy pain.
Not because I want to suffer.
But because I still do not understand why some part of me keeps looking in that direction.
And because the harder I try to look away, the harder it becomes to pretend the question has disappeared.
Perhaps that is the real obsession.
Not pain.
The need to understand why it still occupies a place inside me.
The neck has locked I should…
