What I can never explain is not the excess.
It is my need to remain near it.
If it were simply pleasure, everything would be easy.
If I truly enjoyed all of this in the way someone enjoys an obvious preference, there would be no conflict.
But the conflict is always there.
I do not like losing control.
I do not like feeling examined.
I do not like discovering limits I did not know existed.
And yet the farther I move away from the experience, the more often it returns to my mind.
Like a question refusing to disappear.
Perhaps that is why the Marquis de Sade remains so unsettling.
Not because of excess.
Not because of provocation.
But because he seemed to understand that some people do not pursue an experience because they enjoy it.
They pursue it because they need to understand it.
And that is exactly what happens to me.
There are moments when I imagine the Master working on the process with the same patience an architect gives to a blueprint.
I am not thinking about obedience.
I am not thinking about surrender.
I am thinking about the ending.
That point I still do not know.
That final adjustment which might explain why my mind keeps returning to the same place.
Excitement appears as something uncomfortable.
Almost foreign.
It does not feel like a decision.
It does not feel logical.
It appears while my reason continues producing objections.
It appears while I continue saying that I do not understand.
It appears while I insist that none of this should matter to me.
And perhaps that is precisely why it becomes so difficult to ignore.
Because it does not seem to answer my arguments.
It seems to answer something else.
A deeper curiosity.
A suspicion that there is still part of the process I have not seen.
As though a future version of myself already knows the answer and is watching from some invisible point within the laboratory.
Waiting.
Not for me to become something.
Not for me to renounce anything.
Simply for me to continue far enough to understand.
And that possibility becomes more obsessive than any other sensation.
Because I do not desire the excess.
I desire to understand why I keep looking toward it.
The neck I should…
