There is something strange in the room.
I didn’t notice it the first time.
Or the second.
It took me far too long to realize I kept looking at the same spot.
It wasn’t anything important.
Just a crack near the edge of the plaster.
At least that’s what I thought.
I watched it for a few seconds.
Then I moved on.
Hours later I was still thinking about it.
Not because it looked new.
Because I couldn’t remember whether it had already been there.
The room hasn’t changed.
That should be reassuring.
It isn’t.
The Chronology of Crystal
For a long time I thought authority depended on surveillance.
Now I suspect it depends on something else.
I still don’t know exactly what.
I only know there are moments when a decision seems to arrive before I do.
The alarm is still set.
I checked it this morning.
That means I did exactly what I intended to do.
My hand found the phone.
My finger touched the screen.
The time was recorded.
And yet there is part of the process I do not remember experiencing.
I didn’t forget the outcome.
I forgot the journey.
The difference seems small.
I cannot stop thinking about it.
The crack is still there.
The Main Beam
I thought the problem was obedience.
Then I thought it was habit.
Now I’m not sure it’s either.
There is something harder to admit.
For a moment I considered not writing this.
Not because it was false.
Because it sounds too much like other things I have been avoiding.
I have the feeling that some decisions happen a few inches before I arrive.
Written down, it sounds absurd.
I cannot find a better way to describe it.
The cup is still where I left it.
I touch it.
Cold.
I’m not checking the temperature.
I’m checking something else.
It takes me a few seconds to understand what.
And when I think I understand…
The idea disappears.
The Archive
I need to move my neck.
I think about it.
I wait.
Nothing.
I need to move my neck.
The crack is still in the wall.
The alarm is still set.
The cup is still cold.
And for a moment I wonder which arrived first.
The decision.
Or the feeling that it belonged to me.
I need to move my neck.
This time the sensation arrives.
But it isn’t the right sensation.
I have to move the neck I am not moving it I should…
