Today I decide it.
I don’t want to see this anymore.
I don’t want to read it anymore.
I don’t want to imagine it anymore.
I think it clearly.
Without doubt.
And for a few minutes… it works.
It feels strange.
Clean.
As if I finally closed something that was open for no reason.
I tell myself:
“That’s it. This is not for me.”
And I believe it.
I really do.
But later I look again.
I don’t know why I do it so fast.
There is no big reason.
No event.
Just a small moment where I’m already back inside.
As if there was no transition.
The most confusing part is not returning.
It’s not remembering exactly when I stopped holding the decision.
Because in my mind, the decision is still intact.
But my body does something else.
There is a contradiction I can’t solve:
I think I’ve already stopped…
and yet I still search for it.
Not because I fully want it.
But because I don’t know what to do with the space it leaves when it’s not there.
It starts as curiosity.
Then becomes something I check “just to understand”.
Then something I check to confirm it doesn’t affect me anymore.
And at that point… I don’t know what I’m measuring anymore.
The worst part is this:
I can’t say I like it.
but I also can’t say it doesn’t affect me.
And between those two things… it keeps taking up space.
There are moments when I try to explain it.
I tell myself it’s just habit.
I tell myself it’s just repetition.
I tell myself that if I understand it, it will disappear.
But it doesn’t disappear.
It only changes shape.
And then the shame arrives.
Not while it happens.
After.
When I’ve already closed everything.
When I’ve already “decided again”.
That’s when the feeling of not fully understanding myself shows up.
And still… I go back.
Not with a big intention.
With a small crack.
A minimal thought:
“just a moment”
And that “just a moment” is never just a moment.
There is something that doesn’t fit.
I tell myself I don’t want it.
But a part of me already knows how to go back in.
It doesn’t think it.
It executes it.
As if the decision were only a thin layer on top of something still running on its own.
The neck I am not moving it I should…
