I shouldn’t be reading this.
I open it anyway.
I don’t know when it stopped being just curiosity.
At first it was small. Manageable.
Open pages I closed quickly. Videos I didn’t finish.
Articles I told myself I was reading “out of curiosity,” as if that word made it harmless.
But it isn’t that anymore.
Not anymore.
There is a strange tension in my body when I close the tab.
It isn’t relief. It feels like interruption.
Like something is left unfinished inside me.
And the worst part is that when I close it… I want to go back.
Not as a decision.
Not exactly.
That’s what confuses me.
Today I noticed something I can’t quite explain.
A faint warmth in my chest when I read certain lines.
Not special lines.
It was the way I looked at what came after.
As if the problem isn’t what I see.
But what keeps happening when I stop seeing it.
I tried telling myself it’s curiosity.
But curiosity shouldn’t feel like this.
Curiosity shouldn’t take up this much space.
I thought about stopping.
Seriously.
I closed everything. Put the phone away. Turned the laptop face down.
But then something worse happened.
Not relief.
Not calm.
A kind of uncomfortable emptiness… like something is missing, but I don’t even know what it is yet.
And in that moment, I went back.
Just for a second.
Just to check it was still there.
That’s what scares me.
Not what I look at.
But the impulse to return without understanding why.
Because the more I return… the more space it takes.
And the more space it takes… the harder it becomes to tell whether it’s curiosity, or something that is already changing me from the inside.
Today I caught myself thinking something simple:
if I understand it… maybe it will stop feeling like this.
But I’m not sure I want to understand it.
The neck I am not moving it I should…
