The mug is still beside the computer.
It is cold.
I touch it.
I don’t remember finishing the coffee.
Only placing it there.
Afterwards.
Or maybe before.
I don’t know.
The alarm is still set.
I checked it this morning.
That means that at some point I did exactly what I was supposed to do.
My hand reached the correct place.
My finger pressed the correct option.
Everything happened as it should.
But something doesn’t fit.
Not in the outcome.
In the process.
There is a stretch that is missing.
I don’t know what to call it.
Only that it is absent.
I used to think the problem was pain.
Then I thought it was habit.
Now I am not sure about either.
There is something between them.
Something that cannot be looked at directly.
I don’t see it while it happens.
Only after it has already happened.
As if I am always arriving late to my own experience.
The screen is off.
My reflection appears across the black surface.
For a second it looks like I am watching someone who is watching.
I don’t react.
But I also don’t look away.
There is a difference.
I don’t know what it is.
The neck.
I notice it suddenly.
I wasn’t thinking about it.
Now I am.
I need to move it.
I think about it.
I wait.
Nothing.
I keep waiting.
And then I realize something strange.
I am waiting for it to stop feeling like an idea.
As if movement had to arrive from outside first.
Before I can do it.
The mug is still cold.
I don’t remember when it stopped being warm.
I don’t remember the exact moment I stopped paying attention.
That is what returns.
Not the object.
The gap.
The interval.
The thing that happens without me being able to point to it.
I need to move my neck.
I think it again.
And this time something is different.
It is not that I am not moving it.
It is that I am watching the exact moment when I could.
And that moment does not end.
The mug is still cold.
The alarm is still set.
The reflection is still waiting inside the dark screen.
And I am still watching something I am not sure is happening or only being observed.
I have to move the neck there is no neck I am not moving it I should…
