I do not know why I keep returning to read about this.
That is the part I struggle to admit.
Not the mask.
Not the valves.
Not the resistance to air.
What embarrasses me is the returning.
Last night I closed the browser.
I remember doing it.
I even remember thinking I had read enough.
This morning the tab was still open.
I do not know whether I forgot to close it.
Or whether I simply do not remember coming back.
I have checked the history three times.
Nothing seems unusual.
And yet I keep checking.
At first it was curiosity.
Then it became research.
Later I told myself it was technical interest.
Now I am no longer sure the name matters.
What matters is the return.
There is something about those descriptions that stays with me.
Not during the reading.
Afterward.
When I stand up.
When I walk into the kitchen.
When I try to think about something else.
I catch myself verifying my breathing.
Not because anything is happening.
Because I want to confirm that it is still mine.
Sometimes my neck feels stiff.
Not much.
Just slightly.
As if I had held the same posture for too long.
The strange thing is that the sensation appears before I remember why I am thinking about it.
As if the body arrives first.
And the explanation afterward.
Last night I found a note among several files.
I did not remember writing it.
It contained only one sentence:
“What matters is not breathing.
What matters is checking it.”
I stared at it for several seconds.
Then I opened the same pages again.
I was not looking for new information.
I was trying to verify whether they still produced the same effect.
They did.
And that unsettled me more than it should have.
I am beginning to think that waiting is not about finding an answer.
I am beginning to think that waiting is about returning.
Returning to check.
Checking in order to return.
And it becomes harder each time to remember exactly when it started.
I have to move my neck.
I am not moving it.
I wait to notice the exact moment it begins.
But when it arrives,
it feels as though it has already happened.
I am not moving it the pressure in the intercostals…
