I don’t know when I started paying attention to that part.
I guess it was there from the beginning.
But for a long time, I didn’t really notice it.
I was reading things.
Watching videos.
Moving from one page to another.
And I thought the sexual aspect was the only thing that interested me.
It was the easiest explanation.
The most comfortable one.
But little by little, I started noticing something strange.
It wasn’t the scenes.
It wasn’t even the arousal.
It was the way some people talked.
The way they described certain dynamics.
The calmness with which they seemed to accept things I could barely imagine.
And that started staying with me.
Not during moments of arousal.
Afterward.
While I was doing completely ordinary things.
Working.
Walking somewhere.
Making coffee.
Scrolling through my phone without thinking.
And suddenly I’d remember something I had read.
A sentence.
A comment.
A description.
And I’d start turning it over in my head again.
I’m deeply uncomfortable admitting that.
Because I’m not planning to do anything.
I’m not even necessarily fantasizing.
I’m just thinking.
As if I stumbled across a question I don’t know how to answer.
And the more I read, the worse it gets.
Because it should be the opposite.
I should understand it better.
I should get used to it.
I should lose interest.
But that isn’t happening.
The more information I find, the more space it takes up.
And that’s exactly what embarrasses me.
The feeling that I’m feeding something without meaning to.
Like going back to the same song over and over.
Or the same memory.
Or the same conversation.
Even though you already know it by heart.
There are nights when I close everything.
And promise myself I’ll stop looking.
Because honestly, I start feeling ridiculous.
Ridiculous for spending so much time on something I don’t even understand.
But the next day I come back.
And I always find an excuse.
Just one more article.
Just one more explanation.
Just to understand it better.
And that’s probably the biggest lie of all.
Because a long time ago I stopped looking for explanations.
I’m looking for something else now.
And I still don’t know what it is.
Maybe that’s what unsettles me most.
Not that I’m interested.
But that I have no idea why I’m this interested.
I have to move the neck…
