I should not be looking this up again.
That is the first thing I think.
And yet I come back.
Not because I expect to find something new.
That would be easier to explain.
I come back because I need to check something.
I don’t know what.
Just something.
Last night I closed the browser.
I remember it clearly.
I even shut the computer down.
This morning the very first tab I opened was the same one.
I had not forgotten it.
That is what unsettles me.
I remembered it too well.
There was a photograph.
Nothing especially explicit.
It was not even that.
It was the explanation.
The way someone described waiting.
Obedience.
Anticipation.
I kept reading.
Again.
As if I were looking for a particular sentence.
A sentence I could swear I had seen before.
Then something ridiculous happened.
I recognized a line a few seconds before I reached it.
I froze.
Not because it mattered.
Because I did not remember memorizing it.
I checked the time.
11:14.
I checked again.
11:14.
Only a few seconds had passed.
The apartment was quiet.
I could hear the refrigerator humming from the kitchen.
Dust drifted in front of the screen.
Very slowly.
I thought I should go outside.
Take a walk.
Do anything else.
Instead I opened my history.
Again.
I wanted to check when this had started.
That is new.
Before, I wanted to know more.
Now I want to know when it began.
That is not the same thing.
I found old searches.
Older than I expected.
Single words.
Notes.
Bookmarks.
Small things I did not remember saving.
I felt embarrassed.
Not the kind of embarrassment that comes when someone catches you.
A different kind.
The kind that comes when you catch yourself.
When you realize a part of you arrived earlier.
And left evidence behind.
I have the feeling that I am following my own footprints.
But the footprints always seem older than they should be.
I am starting to think curiosity is not about wanting to know.
I am starting to think it is about returning.
Close.
And return.
Check.
And return.
Promise it is the last time.
And return.
I need to move my neck.
I am not moving it.
The strange thing is that I no longer feel stiffness.
Only that absurd sensation.
As if my body arrived a few seconds before I did.
And is waiting for me to catch up.
I have to move my neck I am not moving it I should…
