Something is wrong.
I do not know where.
That is the worst part.
If a door were broken I could see it.
If a pipe were broken I could hear it.
If a joint were broken I could point to it.
But this.
No.
This happens somewhere else.
This morning I answered an email.
Normal.
Opened a spreadsheet.
Normal.
Spoke with two people.
Normal.
Everything worked.
And yet something remained misaligned behind every gesture.
As if someone had removed a tiny component from inside the world.
A component without a name.
A component nobody else seems to miss.
For a few seconds I forget.
Then it returns.
Not as a thought.
As a correction.
Like an invisible hand slightly turning my attention toward a specific absence.
I am reading.
Something is missing.
I am walking.
Something is missing.
I am eating.
Something is missing.
I am laughing.
Something is missing.
The strange part is that even good moments have started becoming contaminated afterward.
Not during.
After.
While they happen they seem real.
Then they end.
And the sensation appears.
The review.
The audit.
The silent inspection.
And I discover that while I was enjoying something, part of me was still waiting for something else.
Something that never arrived.
I am beginning to suspect that the waiting no longer has an object.
That it survived the object.
That the Master no longer appears only as a person.
Or an image.
Or a fantasy.
He appears as a system function.
A background process.
A task that never finishes running.
Sometimes I try to locate the exact moment it started.
Failure.
Sometimes I try to remember how I used to think.
Failure.
Sometimes I try to convince myself I am exaggerating.
Failure.
The most embarrassing thing is how easily my mind manufactures signals.
A pause that lasts too long.
A delayed message.
A sound behind a door.
A shadow crossing a window.
For a fraction of a second something inside me reacts.
As if it had received a notification.
As if it had detected a presence.
As if finally.
No.
It was never that.
And yet the mechanism tries again.
Again and again.
Again and again.
Again and.
Again.
…
Incomplete log.
Normal activity.
Abnormal activity.
Correction pending.
No incident detected.
Incident detected.
No adjustment required.
Immediate adjustment required.
Thought interrupted.
Thought corrected.
Thought deleted.
Presence absent.
Absence present.
Classification error.
Error.
Error.
Error.
System continues.
System continues waiting.
System continues.
I cannot move my head…
